Bitch-O-Meter

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I have always been of the opinion that men are taken aside and shown how to do a few things, around about when they are fifteen, I think.
One of them is to shower in cold water.

We would get home in freezing weather to our little (cold) cottage on the river, no boiler prepared. I would splash a little water around in strategic places and jump shivering into bed. Cush, on the other hand, does the full Monty – soaps all over, even wets his hair, and then stands in the middle of the room, buck naked drying himself. He can even keep up a conversation. I just stare at him, speechless for a change.
Another thing men are taken aside and taught to do, is throw a ball. Have you ever seen a woman throw a cricket ball? Or use a shovel or axe. Now, I’m quite a well built girl, I can pick up a 50kg bag of horse food, 20l drums, but using a shovel… Cush says I look like a pansy. Although he says he really likes me in the sand, in hot pants messing about with a shovel…
Now girls…girls are taken aside at about fifteen and taught some things too. They are taught a whole lot of things about clothes and what to wear with this or that, and also what they will ‘put up with’ and what they ‘won’t.’ I missed out on this all…
And they are given a thing called a bitch-o-meter. I’m not sure where you get one from, but I missed out on that too. I wonder what it looks like and how it works. Maybe its built in, but this is how I imagine it works:

A girl says, “Oh hey, I like your hair, I wish I could get mine to hang like that,” I think the bitch-o-meter comes up with a digital readout. So for that comment, a bright red 8 out of 10 would blink. You see, you are supposed to know hair shouldn’t be hanging like this cos its 1998 and we did that in 1993 or 1933 or something.
So, “Oh thanks,” is not the correct response. You are meant to rush off with your tail between your legs and try really hard to squeeze your hair into a style designed to suit straight hair not curly hair…Or of course, think up a, nine on a scale of ten, riposte.
“I love your mini skirt, I cant wear such short ones,” translated: your mini skirt is too short, and now, my husband is staring at your legs! (Bitchy monitor, 8 out of 10.)
“Hey girl, your hair looks terrible. That style went out last year,” (bitch-o-meter readout: 0 out of 10) would suit me fine, but my reply, “Tell someone who cares,” has never gone down well.

Now guys, don’t you love them. They don’t have a bitch-o-meter cos they don’t need one, and yes, sometimes they are brutal with each other. They shoot from the hip. They scrunch up their noses with a “You stink, dude.”
Now, a woman in the same predicament, and keeping the bitch monitor down to 5 out of 10 would ask “Would you like to borrow some roll on?” or a very nice 2 out of 10, “Don’t you love this perfume, here try some….”

I do this whole “rating thing” quite often. I find it works well in decision making. I usually work with a 0 – 10 rating, ten being the highest. One of the things I find useful rating in life is men…more of this on my next post.

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About frankiekay

I'm an author from Bulawayo, Zimbabwe. I've written a novel, Silk Threads and a few short stories. Although Frankie is a pen name, she is the me who never grew up, the crazy kid who spoke to animals, talked to the wildflowers and asked awkward questions...I love: music, the silence..., distant horizons. I hate: crowds and spending money

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